There are so many things I should be grateful for. So why am I not happy ? Let me rephrase that in a different way. I am happy, I don't think I am content. I am at a point in my life where I feel like I have not achieved anything. I have a good job, but I can't seem to get my photography business off the ground in my new state. I have a few friends but not close ones. I feel like I still need to find myself. I need a purpose. In a perfect world without the need for money I would be a photographer. I love capturing everything I see. Telling a story. That just would not pay the bills right now. I am also a people pleaser, I want people to be happy and I want to be the one that impact that happiness. That my fiends, is my biggest personality flaw, I care how people feel about me way to much. I was always the good guy, the white knight, If someone didn't like me I was outright depressed about it. It would bother me forever. To this day I feel like I must give off some type of "tough guy" vibe. Maybe I have too many opinions ? Maybe I act like a know it all. See ? I over analyze everything. The problem is I suffer from general anxiety, sometimes it manifests as health anxiety, paranoia or masks itself as depression. Get over it, right ? Take some meds, etc. First, I am not going to criticize anyone who need to take meds. I just don't want to be one of them. I took some prescriptions for anxiety when I was younger for anxiety and it made me a total zombie. Zombies don't have anxiety so it worked..
So what can I do ?
I live my life day by day. I enjoy what I can, when I can. I just want to stop find it in food and laziness. I can't shut down anymore. It is affecting my job, my personal life everything. It makes me more impulsive. Anything to feel that little rush of those happiness hormones.
Last week was not great, I was sick all week. No working out, no eating healthy, nada. I am not proud of that. But I am not going to beat myself up for that. This week so far was better. I hit the gym Monday and have been eating a little bit better. Baby steps. Today I have a slight headache so I hope I can get to the gym tonight. More tomorrow....